So much has happened since my last post. Life was already a roller coaster since March this year, but little did I know that a volcano was building ever since, that it broke me down into million pieces when it erupted.
I've always done and settle things on my own in my own ways, so confinement was not easy on me as I had to rely on others entirely just about everything especially on my well being. If husbands envy their wives to have 2 months paid maternity leave, I would be glad to swap places with them. It's not as easy as it seems. It is not a holiday at all. I was drained physically, mentally and emotionally. I underestimated the stuff you have to go through as new mother handling a baby.
My parents were around throughout so, they kept me company and my mother took care of my food ever since they stayed with me up till the day they left for Sabah, which was wonderful for me as I am a terribly lazy cook. The number of times I cooked throughout that 6 and a half months when they were here with me? Okay, please don't be shy to lecture and curse me because it was less than 5!
Aside from dealing with confinement, my baby and motherhood, I had to deal with work and also my family. My office work was there, but I was not able to perform as I had no time and energy for it. Every single day I was bogged down with guilt for not being able to do my work. It didn't feel right at all to be paid and not perform, that I eventually tendered my resignation. Part of the resignation was also due to the trouble my company facing that I could not handle and I thought I wanted to finish up my ICSA for good. However, my bosses were kind and understanding enough to accommodate my needs and they didn't mind giving me more flexible hours until I get the hang of motherhood. Yes, they're amazing and very supportive which is why I didn't mind continue working for them. Still, the guilt carried on up till now.
My parents aren't strong as they used to be. Not many know but my mother is actually suffering for cervix cancer whereas my father is suffering from prostate. Both of them refuse medical treatment and opt for alternative treatment. There are days when they have to endure pain that comes and go, and being a cancer patient, you have to be mentally strong and get good morale support to brave through all of it. I was not in the right state of mind to provide them with that. Despite the pain and discomfort they were going through, they helped me a great deal throughout confinement up till the day they left. This is another guilt I had to deal with every single waking day. I try not to burden them but I still needed them around me to support me by cooking and buying groceries. So I pushed myself to clean up the house since confinement like vacuum(ing), moping, cleaning up the bathroom and so on.
Financially, I felt stressed to have to pay for the hospital bills and everything at home, plus to support my parents treatments, and not to forget to loan monies to my siblings. I felt and still do feel like everything is on my shoulders. I don't mind spending on my parents though cause it's my responsibility as a daughter, moreover my dad is no longer working. It's the others that bothers me most. It did not help at all to have people preach to me about whose responsibility this should be. Don't want to elaborate on this. Too sensitive so they say.
Opps. Something's missing out of all that. Yes, my hubby. I neglected him big time, plus it was a painful to hear him talk about his work and boss 24/7 because it was his devotion and, the one and only thing he had in his mind. It was a mental torture for me cause I was already tired as it is and to hear all that was too much. He sacrificed his family, all his time and energy for work, so I sacrificed him for all the things I was going through. I lost my other half during those time. I had no one to talk to about my troubles and everything. I kept it all to myself and back lashed instead. Since my calls during his office hours were annoying and such a distraction, his phone alarm clock in the mornings was a ticking time bomb for me. Ariana is an extremely light sleeper, so with 2 phone alarms on while she was sleeping was simply unacceptable. I stopped talking to him since he stopped talking to me. I stopped hoping for any form of moral support from him. I gave him sarcastic remarks from time to time ;P and any attempt to reconcile/improve the situation failed. Everyday including weekends I see him go off to work and very rarely I see him before I sleep. I felt so alone, taken for granted and neglected. So I just did what I was only capable of doing which was to prepare his working clothes everyday and prepare his coffee and remind him to take his supplements before he goes off to work (if I could wake up in the morning on time after the sleepless nights that is). I couldn't blame him entirely though, his work was being an ass to him during those time and I didn't know he was THAT depressed about it. Haish. I could go on and on about this. Get my drift?
My days everyday were uncertain, unpredictable. Apart from dealing with all those troubles and guilt, I was scared of how Ariana would behave the whole day particularly on her sleeping patterns. It was hard I tell you. When she was 2 months old, she started to sleep less and experienced sleeping difficulties, which means she'd get cranky most of the time and become extra clingy. You don't want a cranky baby, it's too much to handle. Breastfeeding too was not that easy. I had to use nipple shield for the first few months, which I didn't mind, as long as my baby was getting enough milk from me. Engorgement and block duct ain't funny, never knew that breastfeeding would be that hard.
A month before Ramadhan, I turned to Allah. I tried praying 5 times a day. I prayed that everything will fall into place and be smooth sailing, and that he'd give everyone including myself the strength and patience to endure the challenges and troubles we were facing. On the first day of Ramadhan, I decided to wear hijab (I've been delaying it due to wardrobe issues - but decided to take that leap and make no excuses). I started to feel the change and received blessings from everywhere. BUT it didn't prepare me for what's to come. Mind you the challenge that happened was even bigger and unexpected. Allah was and is testing me, so I try to remind myself everyday ever since. This pain I could not share publicly. Sorry. I think some would have guessed what have happened. If you do, please keep it to yourselves and reserve the negative comments. It's easy to be judgemental in these situations. You will not know how it is really like until you are in the situation yourselves. They say everyone will go through the same but it's just a matter of time and how you handle it in the end. Seriously. I never thought I would have to face such a thing, but I did and still am shocked by it. I am coping with it better (I think...) everyday and hopefully things would restore to how it use to be but even better and stronger.
All in all, I was not myself since confinement. I was blank most of the time as so many things were bothering me and it was too much to handle. I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I had too much expectations as a wife, mother, daughter and Moslem that I just went blank and clueless because I am not able to live up to the expectations I've set. Labour may have been easy but motherhood and life isn't for me. At times I feel like giving up in life. At times I don't know if this is all worth it. At times, I just wish Allah would take my life so that I will not have to endure all this pain and phase. But then again, this is life. It is the struggles and down times that makes you a stronger person. I should feel fortunate with what I have been blessed with and just live life as it is and enjoy every moment of it and make the most out of it. I wish I could stop harping on these issues in my head. It's killing me literally. So yes girls, this is why I've lost so much weight, I am deeply stressed and troubled ever since. So to all the kind souls out there, your advise, support and prayers is much appreciated. I am hopeful with this post especially this last paragraph will help me bounce up every time I read it whenever I'm down.
I've always done and settle things on my own in my own ways, so confinement was not easy on me as I had to rely on others entirely just about everything especially on my well being. If husbands envy their wives to have 2 months paid maternity leave, I would be glad to swap places with them. It's not as easy as it seems. It is not a holiday at all. I was drained physically, mentally and emotionally. I underestimated the stuff you have to go through as new mother handling a baby.
My parents were around throughout so, they kept me company and my mother took care of my food ever since they stayed with me up till the day they left for Sabah, which was wonderful for me as I am a terribly lazy cook. The number of times I cooked throughout that 6 and a half months when they were here with me? Okay, please don't be shy to lecture and curse me because it was less than 5!
Aside from dealing with confinement, my baby and motherhood, I had to deal with work and also my family. My office work was there, but I was not able to perform as I had no time and energy for it. Every single day I was bogged down with guilt for not being able to do my work. It didn't feel right at all to be paid and not perform, that I eventually tendered my resignation. Part of the resignation was also due to the trouble my company facing that I could not handle and I thought I wanted to finish up my ICSA for good. However, my bosses were kind and understanding enough to accommodate my needs and they didn't mind giving me more flexible hours until I get the hang of motherhood. Yes, they're amazing and very supportive which is why I didn't mind continue working for them. Still, the guilt carried on up till now.
My parents aren't strong as they used to be. Not many know but my mother is actually suffering for cervix cancer whereas my father is suffering from prostate. Both of them refuse medical treatment and opt for alternative treatment. There are days when they have to endure pain that comes and go, and being a cancer patient, you have to be mentally strong and get good morale support to brave through all of it. I was not in the right state of mind to provide them with that. Despite the pain and discomfort they were going through, they helped me a great deal throughout confinement up till the day they left. This is another guilt I had to deal with every single waking day. I try not to burden them but I still needed them around me to support me by cooking and buying groceries. So I pushed myself to clean up the house since confinement like vacuum(ing), moping, cleaning up the bathroom and so on.
Financially, I felt stressed to have to pay for the hospital bills and everything at home, plus to support my parents treatments, and not to forget to loan monies to my siblings. I felt and still do feel like everything is on my shoulders. I don't mind spending on my parents though cause it's my responsibility as a daughter, moreover my dad is no longer working. It's the others that bothers me most. It did not help at all to have people preach to me about whose responsibility this should be. Don't want to elaborate on this. Too sensitive so they say.
Opps. Something's missing out of all that. Yes, my hubby. I neglected him big time, plus it was a painful to hear him talk about his work and boss 24/7 because it was his devotion and, the one and only thing he had in his mind. It was a mental torture for me cause I was already tired as it is and to hear all that was too much. He sacrificed his family, all his time and energy for work, so I sacrificed him for all the things I was going through. I lost my other half during those time. I had no one to talk to about my troubles and everything. I kept it all to myself and back lashed instead. Since my calls during his office hours were annoying and such a distraction, his phone alarm clock in the mornings was a ticking time bomb for me. Ariana is an extremely light sleeper, so with 2 phone alarms on while she was sleeping was simply unacceptable. I stopped talking to him since he stopped talking to me. I stopped hoping for any form of moral support from him. I gave him sarcastic remarks from time to time ;P and any attempt to reconcile/improve the situation failed. Everyday including weekends I see him go off to work and very rarely I see him before I sleep. I felt so alone, taken for granted and neglected. So I just did what I was only capable of doing which was to prepare his working clothes everyday and prepare his coffee and remind him to take his supplements before he goes off to work (if I could wake up in the morning on time after the sleepless nights that is). I couldn't blame him entirely though, his work was being an ass to him during those time and I didn't know he was THAT depressed about it. Haish. I could go on and on about this. Get my drift?
My days everyday were uncertain, unpredictable. Apart from dealing with all those troubles and guilt, I was scared of how Ariana would behave the whole day particularly on her sleeping patterns. It was hard I tell you. When she was 2 months old, she started to sleep less and experienced sleeping difficulties, which means she'd get cranky most of the time and become extra clingy. You don't want a cranky baby, it's too much to handle. Breastfeeding too was not that easy. I had to use nipple shield for the first few months, which I didn't mind, as long as my baby was getting enough milk from me. Engorgement and block duct ain't funny, never knew that breastfeeding would be that hard.
A month before Ramadhan, I turned to Allah. I tried praying 5 times a day. I prayed that everything will fall into place and be smooth sailing, and that he'd give everyone including myself the strength and patience to endure the challenges and troubles we were facing. On the first day of Ramadhan, I decided to wear hijab (I've been delaying it due to wardrobe issues - but decided to take that leap and make no excuses). I started to feel the change and received blessings from everywhere. BUT it didn't prepare me for what's to come. Mind you the challenge that happened was even bigger and unexpected. Allah was and is testing me, so I try to remind myself everyday ever since. This pain I could not share publicly. Sorry. I think some would have guessed what have happened. If you do, please keep it to yourselves and reserve the negative comments. It's easy to be judgemental in these situations. You will not know how it is really like until you are in the situation yourselves. They say everyone will go through the same but it's just a matter of time and how you handle it in the end. Seriously. I never thought I would have to face such a thing, but I did and still am shocked by it. I am coping with it better (I think...) everyday and hopefully things would restore to how it use to be but even better and stronger.
All in all, I was not myself since confinement. I was blank most of the time as so many things were bothering me and it was too much to handle. I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I had too much expectations as a wife, mother, daughter and Moslem that I just went blank and clueless because I am not able to live up to the expectations I've set. Labour may have been easy but motherhood and life isn't for me. At times I feel like giving up in life. At times I don't know if this is all worth it. At times, I just wish Allah would take my life so that I will not have to endure all this pain and phase. But then again, this is life. It is the struggles and down times that makes you a stronger person. I should feel fortunate with what I have been blessed with and just live life as it is and enjoy every moment of it and make the most out of it. I wish I could stop harping on these issues in my head. It's killing me literally. So yes girls, this is why I've lost so much weight, I am deeply stressed and troubled ever since. So to all the kind souls out there, your advise, support and prayers is much appreciated. I am hopeful with this post especially this last paragraph will help me bounce up every time I read it whenever I'm down.
